Monday, June 21, 2010

Mini-Reviews written just for you

I’ve been slacking on reviews lately, obsessing over finishing the next draft of my book. So, I thought I’d do a few mini-movie reviews on what I’ve seen lately. As an added bonus, I’ve attached a few trailer reviews of things that are coming out or are out but I haven’t bothered to watch yet. Onward we go!

Whiteout. My biggest complaint about this movie is how un-cold it feels. Seriously, it’s set in Antarctica where cold is rated in how far your external genitalia has retreated into your body, and I never once felt an empathetic shiver. The arctic base comes off as a nice winter getaway complete with randomly placed orchids. Second big gripe, the start of the movie has the lusty Beckinsale peeling down to her skivvies and then a steamy shower scene, giving all red blooded males hope. Through the rest of the movie she wears full arctic gear and oversized sweaters. That first scene, totally pointless. It was just there to entice us to sit through the rest of the hole ridden plot. Which leads me into gripe number three: the plot. It had potential, real potential but no, it’s based on compound idiocy. The thing people have been getting killed over are diamonds. It could have been anything, radioactive Woolly Mammoth fetuses, a Zombie virus, the Vodka of the Gods, anything and they choose diamonds. Don’t even get me started on the horrid flashbacks to Beckinsale’s torrid past. They were on par with Rain’s back story in Ninja Assassin, that’s how tedious they were.

The Good, The Bad, and The Weird. I hear angels play banjo’s whenever this movie is mentioned. It was brilliant. Even if you’re not a fan of Spaghetti Westerns this is one to buy popcorn for, even at the outrageous prices they sell it for. The Good is Woo-Sung Jung, a bounty hunter you expect spends his spare time drinking and playing cards with Boba Fett, Capt. Mal Reynolds and Spike Spiegel. That is just how cool he is. Not to mention freaking adorable and the only person I’ve ever seen able to pull off a dandy mustache with such manly panache. The Bad is Byung-Hun Lee, badest of the bad and he does it all with Emo hair. He’s the kinda of guy that hangs around on open-mic poetry night and then shoots everyone. Finally, The Weird is Kang-Ho Song from the equally brilliant The Host. He’s the guy you seen running around in a diver’s helmet in the trailer. This one is destined for my movie trunk and yes, I have a trunk full of movies. That’s just how I roll.

The Crazies. Let me just say that I like looking at Timothy Olyphant. He’s easy on the eyes and not just another shallow Hollywood pretty boy. Now that’s out of the way, this movie started out really good then degraded pretty fast into a cliché zombie flick. The biggest issue I had was with the “crazies” themselves. They were so inconsistent and poorly explained. They were caused by a huge ass military plane crashing into a river and the toxin it carried got into the water of the small town. We’re supposed to believe that no one saw this happen. Even in the middle of rural America this is damn near impossible. We’re talking about a country that puts churches fifty miles from the closest residence (I’m assuming in case you’re being chased by vampires). This movie also hardened my belief that the military’s greatest weakness is a bunch of drunk rednecks in a pickup truck. Really guys? This just proves that if Texas ever decides to succeed we should just let them. This movie did, however, give me an irrational fear of car washes. I haven’t cringed in my seat like that for a long time.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine. After watching this movie the following is recommended: 1. Find a wall. 2. Apply head liberally until consciousness is lost. 3. Regain consciousness. 4. Repeat. Ignoring the laughable CG claws and the totally defilement of Dead Pool there is nothing of interest in this movie. The plot is weak, the scripting is poor, the action lagging, and you spend half the time wondering why you wasted your money on this crap. When they decided to tell of Wolverine’s origins it was a huge deal for comic fans. I’m sorry, that needs to be rephrased. Ahem, IT WAS A GARGUANTAN FUCKING DEAL!!!!! Have a little respect for the source material. Screwing up the Phoenix Saga was one thing but this is the most beloved bastard of all time. Beloved even though he wears yellow spandex, that’s like liking someone from Jersey Shore or The Hills for their insight. Best line of the movie: Striker shows up and says to Logan, “You haven’t aged a day.” Uh, it’s been like 7 YEARS! Neither have you, douchebag.

Alright, let’s get to some trailers.

The Apocalypse is coming and it will turn all of our monuments blue. Little else to say other than, "FFFFFFUUUUUUUUU"

Paul Walker and Hayden Christensen on the silver screen together. There isn't enough sarcasm to put into the word, "Yay," for this situation. I expect this will be a horrible chimera of Heat and Oceans 11. And it is not going to be pretty.

Excuse me, I have to spin in a circle while squee-ing. Be back in ten.

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