Sunday, August 8, 2010

Trailer Post

I know I haven't posted in ages so I apologize to my, uh, 6 followers. My excuses include stress, forgetfulness, and a boil. Yeah, I had a boil. I'll spare you all the pictures. Anyway, I've got reviews coming soon, I just have to organize my thoughts in order to properly portray how Awesomely Epic Scott Pilgrim is. Until then, please enjoy these trailers.

Directed by Tory Nixey but presented by Guillermo Del Toro who is one of the few directors that can actually scare me, and this trailer scared me. This is the type of horror movie we lost during the emergence of Slasher flicks. That slow, creepy horror that makes you jump at shadows and hesitate about going to bed. A remake of a 1973 film of the same name and one I'm definitely not seeing alone.

Do I know what just happened? No. Do I care? Hell no. Just from the trailer alone, director Zack Snyder is my new hero. Look, he just mixed school girls with Katanas in with dragons, air ships, and lingerie. Can we say Geek wet dream?

Here we have the American remake of the brilliant Let the Right One In and I'm hesitant. Yes, it has Chloe Mortez who played Hit Girl in the violently awesome Kick-Ass. Yes, the trailer does look good. But how often does a remake of a brilliant foreign film go well? And Let the Right One In was brilliantly creepy and beautiful. I put it down as my favorite Vampire film to date and I'm a fan of the fangs. My biggest worry is their going go Hollwoodize the ending which we all know is shit.

Okay, first off, check out that line up. Morgan Freeman (a.k.a. God), John Malkovich (who is freaking John Malkovich), Helen Mirren (a.k.a. The Queen), Karl Urban (Dr. "Bones" McCoy), and Bruce Willis (who is so cool the Laws of Physics bend for him, as is proven with this movie). Second, do you need a second? Look at that line up!

Unapologetic gratuitous violence at its best. This is the kind of movie where I honestly don't care about the plot that much. As long as someone gets a stapler in the ass I'll be happy.

I've already preached about this one before, go look up that blog for my praise. All I have to add is this: Lindsay Lohan plays a Nun with a machine gun. That is all.

I'm ending with this trailer for a very good reason: I'm hoping it will become the future of movies. They edited this movie as they shot it and they shot it on location with real people and not hired stand ins. It's simple, beautiful, and doesn't rely on anything other than its own grit and determination. The honest movie, it's a lost art form.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Adrien Brody can kick your ass

The International Trailer for Predators came out and it looks good. Scary good. After the AVP disaster and the better but block office bust AVP: Requiem it's nice to see the Predator species back in action. Geeze, would you look at that cast? Brody won an Oscar for crap's sake and Fishburne is a Shakespearean trained thespian. I would have just watched for Danny Trejo who I'm pretty sure really does kill people in hi spare time. I kid, I'm sure he's a wonderful human being and I'm not just saying that because he terrifies me.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Mini-Reviews written just for you

I’ve been slacking on reviews lately, obsessing over finishing the next draft of my book. So, I thought I’d do a few mini-movie reviews on what I’ve seen lately. As an added bonus, I’ve attached a few trailer reviews of things that are coming out or are out but I haven’t bothered to watch yet. Onward we go!

Whiteout. My biggest complaint about this movie is how un-cold it feels. Seriously, it’s set in Antarctica where cold is rated in how far your external genitalia has retreated into your body, and I never once felt an empathetic shiver. The arctic base comes off as a nice winter getaway complete with randomly placed orchids. Second big gripe, the start of the movie has the lusty Beckinsale peeling down to her skivvies and then a steamy shower scene, giving all red blooded males hope. Through the rest of the movie she wears full arctic gear and oversized sweaters. That first scene, totally pointless. It was just there to entice us to sit through the rest of the hole ridden plot. Which leads me into gripe number three: the plot. It had potential, real potential but no, it’s based on compound idiocy. The thing people have been getting killed over are diamonds. It could have been anything, radioactive Woolly Mammoth fetuses, a Zombie virus, the Vodka of the Gods, anything and they choose diamonds. Don’t even get me started on the horrid flashbacks to Beckinsale’s torrid past. They were on par with Rain’s back story in Ninja Assassin, that’s how tedious they were.

The Good, The Bad, and The Weird. I hear angels play banjo’s whenever this movie is mentioned. It was brilliant. Even if you’re not a fan of Spaghetti Westerns this is one to buy popcorn for, even at the outrageous prices they sell it for. The Good is Woo-Sung Jung, a bounty hunter you expect spends his spare time drinking and playing cards with Boba Fett, Capt. Mal Reynolds and Spike Spiegel. That is just how cool he is. Not to mention freaking adorable and the only person I’ve ever seen able to pull off a dandy mustache with such manly panache. The Bad is Byung-Hun Lee, badest of the bad and he does it all with Emo hair. He’s the kinda of guy that hangs around on open-mic poetry night and then shoots everyone. Finally, The Weird is Kang-Ho Song from the equally brilliant The Host. He’s the guy you seen running around in a diver’s helmet in the trailer. This one is destined for my movie trunk and yes, I have a trunk full of movies. That’s just how I roll.

The Crazies. Let me just say that I like looking at Timothy Olyphant. He’s easy on the eyes and not just another shallow Hollywood pretty boy. Now that’s out of the way, this movie started out really good then degraded pretty fast into a cliché zombie flick. The biggest issue I had was with the “crazies” themselves. They were so inconsistent and poorly explained. They were caused by a huge ass military plane crashing into a river and the toxin it carried got into the water of the small town. We’re supposed to believe that no one saw this happen. Even in the middle of rural America this is damn near impossible. We’re talking about a country that puts churches fifty miles from the closest residence (I’m assuming in case you’re being chased by vampires). This movie also hardened my belief that the military’s greatest weakness is a bunch of drunk rednecks in a pickup truck. Really guys? This just proves that if Texas ever decides to succeed we should just let them. This movie did, however, give me an irrational fear of car washes. I haven’t cringed in my seat like that for a long time.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine. After watching this movie the following is recommended: 1. Find a wall. 2. Apply head liberally until consciousness is lost. 3. Regain consciousness. 4. Repeat. Ignoring the laughable CG claws and the totally defilement of Dead Pool there is nothing of interest in this movie. The plot is weak, the scripting is poor, the action lagging, and you spend half the time wondering why you wasted your money on this crap. When they decided to tell of Wolverine’s origins it was a huge deal for comic fans. I’m sorry, that needs to be rephrased. Ahem, IT WAS A GARGUANTAN FUCKING DEAL!!!!! Have a little respect for the source material. Screwing up the Phoenix Saga was one thing but this is the most beloved bastard of all time. Beloved even though he wears yellow spandex, that’s like liking someone from Jersey Shore or The Hills for their insight. Best line of the movie: Striker shows up and says to Logan, “You haven’t aged a day.” Uh, it’s been like 7 YEARS! Neither have you, douchebag.

Alright, let’s get to some trailers.

The Apocalypse is coming and it will turn all of our monuments blue. Little else to say other than, "FFFFFFUUUUUUUUU"

Paul Walker and Hayden Christensen on the silver screen together. There isn't enough sarcasm to put into the word, "Yay," for this situation. I expect this will be a horrible chimera of Heat and Oceans 11. And it is not going to be pretty.

Excuse me, I have to spin in a circle while squee-ing. Be back in ten.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

If nothing else it will have an epic soundtrack

Tired of Scott Pilgrim yet? Yeah, neither am I. And yes that was Superman as number 3 and The Human Torch as uh, 5 I think. Ramona Flowers got around.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Are you paying attention Hollywood?

Samurai. A no budget movie shot shot with a cast of five volunteers against a white background. That's right. All the backgrounds were done on the computer and it was made with no money. I mean, the guy probably bought the beer and pizza but that's it. $0 BUDGET! Are you listening? No money and this thing looks a hundred times better than half the trailers out there.

SAMURAI from Jerry O'Flaherty on Vimeo.

Monday, June 7, 2010

What Just Happened?

Did I really just see this or did someone slip something into my coffee?

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Michael Cera can kick your ass

It's up at last! The new trailer for Scott Pilgrim vs. The World and it is awesome. I mean "awesome" in its original meaning when it still meant "awe-inspiring." Just watch and you'll see what I mean.

See? Isn't it breathtaking?

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Totally Unrelated

And by totally unrelated I mean totally, completely, legally binding unrelated. Sense: this trailer makes none. Watch. Just watch. Don't think otherwise you might kill yourself.

Yeah. See what I mean? Armpit swords. Ass swords. Boob guns. Saws in...faces. Did that building just bleed?! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

That Fantstic News I Promised

Here it is.
So J.J. Abrams new movie, Super 8, will not be a Cloverfield prequel or sequel and won't be filmed by a hand held camera. Thank Cthulhu for that. Anyway, a bootleg trailer was "leaked" not long ago. The official one was just released.

It's already gone viral and here is what you have to do. It's all here if you feel lazy though. At the end, see those letters flash by? Okay, slow down the film, blow them up and read what they spell. Add ".com" to the end and you have the website you need to go to. Try to print everything. See the message you get? Still with me? Alright, now read through all that green, PDP-11 16-bit microcomputer text. Find a name. Cross-reference it with Area 51. Still following? Good, cause I have no idea what you do next. Go YouTube it, I'm sure someone out there has blown up every last little, grainy image for you to scrutinize.

Super 8 isn't due till 2011 so you can take your time forming your conspiracy theories. As near as I can tell from the trailer drunk rednecks in pickup trucks are the worst threat to the military in existence.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Fantastic News...

...will not be made in this post. In a future post for sure, once I figure out just what the hell it is that J.J. Abrams is planning. For now, let me give you some horrible news. All in the form of a long ass, shitty as hell trailer post. These are all movies coming out soon that you will want to avoid like the plague. Even the one about the plague.

They actually spent money on this. Non-imaginary, corporal, can buy things of value money to make this festering turd. This movie may actually destroy NASA's hope for the future. I sure as hell don't want to be an astronaut anymore. Okay, I wasn't going to be an astronaut but I had an elaborate plan to sneak aboard a shuttle and take the International Space Station for a joyride around the moon.

Why not just have the tag line: Steve Austin, because Jean Claude van Damme is to old.

WHAT THE FU-Seriously!? I get to watch dancing douchebags with British Accents in eye bleedin' 3D. This is so daffied I'm even breaking into Cockney just to display my displeasure. Excuse me while I go get elephants.

Well, it has Sean Bean and torture so if that's your sorta thing then have at. Personally, I'd rather flog myself then watch this movie.

This trailer is a minute and a half to long. I can't remember there being an Undisputed I or II, and frankly I'm afraid to go Google them. I'd say save your money and watch UFC. The plot will definitely be better.

Excuse me, I have to go punch myself in the face until the pain goes away.

There's only one more movie. There's only one more movie and then it will all be over. Wait..they're turning the last one into a two part-er?

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Can you name them all?

No, not Pokemon. Movies.

That's every major movie trailer for this summer compressed into one

Pick a theme and stick to it

Family drama, awkward coming of age comedy, horrific horror, or supernatural thriller, pick one. Your movie can't be all four. And, for the love of vodka, can you please find some music that isn't public domain crap?

Friday, April 30, 2010

Friday Mass Trailer Post

Let's begin shall we?

Well, I'm glad they got all the major plot points out of the way. Now we won't have to bother with such trivial things such as character development and plot arcs. From what the trailer fairies tell me, this movie will consist of explosions, Megan Fox's sex face, and really unrealistic weapons. Seriously, a TNT crossbow? How aerodynamic are we supposed to believe dynamite is? And wouldn't that horse totally freak out by two gatling guns next to its head?

Continuing on...

Wow, the SyFy Channel is finally getting a good budget. Oh, wait...Okay, when you're so strapped for movie ideas that you're remaking B-rated horror movies oh, wait...So, are they going to do Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus next? Or Dino Shark? Cause SyFy has a whole warehouse of shitty movies they could remake. They might be only marginally worse than the originals.

Wow, I didn't think I could start loosing interest in Zombie movies. How many of these does Romero think he can pull off? It's probably going to be better then his last one, Diary of the Dead. Look, the hand held camera technique barely worked for The Blair Witch and is only ever successful if you're not rooting for the zombies to kill everyone on screen. Let's look at all the places we've put zombies: in a graveyard (that make sense), a mall (oohh, an analogy!), in Sweden (and Nazis!), underwater (this is actually an entire sub-genre), on an island (multiple times in fact), and on a plane (only slightly more scary than snakes). Only place left is space - oh, wait nevermind, it's been done. So the only thing left for zombie movies to do then is to die.

Okay, f*&# this shit. I need to go buy more Emergency Vodka. An upper decker joke, really? That's the best you could do? Are you guys even trying an more?

I need a plate cleanser.

Not sure if M. Night Shyamalan-na-an was the best director choice but it looks good. I just don't hear M. Night Shayamallannn and think epic action flick. I still haven't forgiven him for The Happening.

That's all for now. I'm off to console myself with chocolate and cheap booze. Oh, booze. You're the only one that understands me.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

The Tick is back!

And his name is Ace Mulligan.

I don't care if this movie consists of nothing but bad one-liners I am going to watch it. Then watch it again, then probably again. I have no life.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Crap, I'm out of Emergency Vodka

Well, it can't be worse than the Mortal Kombat movie. It can't, right? Please tell me it can't. At least I can console myself that it can't be worse then Dragonball Evolution. That has to be the only movie in existence that would have been improved the the addition of Krillin.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Where's my Emergency Vodka?

So, and this just makes my head hurt, Taylor Lautner, brooding bad boy of Twilight, has forgone a Max Steel role for Stretch Armstrong. Yeah, you remember that craptastic toy from your childhood is going to star in his own feature length film. This with the Battleship movie and the once rumored, now official, Candyland movie has officially proven that Hollywood has lost its freaking mind. You'd think they might focus more on making a video game movie that didn't suck three flavors of scrotum, or maybe "re-imagine" yet another horror franchise. Because we all know we don't have enough Freddy, Chucky, or Jason movies.

In the words of Peter Griffin, I'm going to go drink until I can't feel feelings anymore.

Mustering up excitement...


...and no. No excitement, none at all. Frankly, this just looks like it's going to suck so bad. And by the tentacles of Cthulhu, how many freaking egos did they fit in this movie? Stallone, Swarchenegger, Staham, Li, Austin, Rourke, Lundgren, and Willis. Did I miss anyone? And that voice over, holy shitscicles. Could you be any more cliche!
I'm going to go drink until I can taste colors.

Adrien Brody is my new hero

High School trailer
Uploaded by blankytwo. - Watch feature films and entire TV shows.

First Predators, then Splice, and now High School. Read more about this indie film at /Film but seriously, Adrien Brody is my new hero. All we need now is for him to team up with Bruce Campbell to star in a Matthew Vaughn film and a wormhole will open up and deposit all of us into Geek Heaven. Where Valkyries serve you Mountain Dew, there is no lag on Halo 3, and for no real reason anyone can name Nathan Filion runs around swinging a light saber.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Thank you, YouTube

Yep, Evil Dead is now a musical. Or has been, I'm not sure for how long. Nevertheless, once again I am displaying my happiness through interpretative dance.

Who is Salt?

All I know is it goes well with potatoes and butter. Twenty bucks says she keeps that same robot expression the entire movie.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

The Glory that is Kick-Ass

Kick-Ass Review

Resisting the urge to scream, “It Kicked Ass!” Because, truly, it did. There are so many ways this movie could have been screwed up. I have to give major kudos to director Matthew Vaughn for not taking the easy route and producing this movie independently. From what the Internet tells me (all praise the mighty Web of Knowledge) Vaughn turned down major production companies because they wanted him to change too much. Kick-Ass is utterly perfect they way it is. Any changes would have ruined it.

That being said, let’s go through all the ways this movie (which is perfect, I’m going to stress that until you hate me) could have been ruined by the “I’m planning a third Transformers movie,” big-wigs of Hollywood.

1. The Rating: This had to be an R movie. PG-13 simply would not have cut it. It, as Vaughn said in one interview, would have offended the audience base it was aiming for. We of the 90’s violent comic generation enjoy our blood and gore. We like our guns, our bazookas, our butterfly knives, and our overkill (which this movie has plenty of). Humans bleed, we gush fountains of the stuff when we’re shot or stabbed. This is something Hollywood sometimes likes to ignore.

2. Teenagers: There is just enough teen awkwardness and angst in this movie. Nicely juxtaposed beside that lovely R-rated gore we so love. Hollywood would have contorted and twisted these scenes, making them an agonizing focal point we’d have to endure. We do not need to be forced to relate to these characters. When they’re written and acted well we do so automatically. By highlighting their shortcomings until we’re nauseous doesn’t make us sympathetic to them, it just makes us hate them.

3. The Characters: Hit-Girl, played by the phenomenal Chloë Grace Moretz, would be horrible. They would have changed her age or made her remorseful, or some other moral crap, and she wouldn’t be Hit-Girl anymore. She’d be another Batgirl and we all remember how well that went down. Kick-Ass would have some secret instead of being the most average superhero ever. Removing the thing that defines him as Kick-Ass. Or they would have cast some cuite on loan from Disney to fill the role so expertly executed by Aaron Johnson. Nicholas Cage’s role as Big Daddy (the first role in a long time in which I didn’t want to cover him in bees) would have been made less insane and I can’t even imagine what bizarre take they would have on Red Mist, played by the wonderfully nerdy Christopher Mintz-Plasse.

4. Directing: This is the kind of movie they would have shoved Michael Bay’s way. He would have sqeezed this one out between salivating over the third Transformers movie and the “re-imagining” of A Nightmare on Elm Street. All the action would be painfully rendered CG and somehow he’d manage to shove a pair of robot testicles in there. Matthew Vaughn has respect for the material; you can see the love in every baton hit across the face. The words I have for Bay’s respect for anything can only be properly translated through the dead language of Cthulhu. And then the world would end in a horrific tentacle explosion.

I’m going to end here because, really, nothing quite beats a tentacle explosion. Go see Kick-Ass, drag your friends along, bring the dog too. Then buy the DVD and all the merchandise and maybe we can send a message to Hollywood that they don’t have to dumb everything down to their level.

Everyone rember this:

It's the fake trailer shown between Planet Terror and Deathproof. It's now going to be a full length motion picture to be released in September. Read more about it here.
The only way to properly portray my excitement about this is through interpretative dance. Which I am doing right now, but you cannot see it. Which is sad because it's an awesome dance.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Predators goes back to its roots

I've got to admit I was nervous about a new Predators movie. Especially after the horrid amalgamation that AVP was. This has given me hope that it could be really good. Though I'm confused as to what kind of bad-ass killer Topher Grace could possibly be.

Monday, April 12, 2010

"Spooky things...anal things..."

Fighting against the A-Team and The Expendables are The Losers. My vote is going for this one. It has Uhura, the Comedian, the Human Torch, a guy named Cougar with an awesome hat, the Black McGuyver (BlaGuyver), and then that other guy. Less camp than the A-Team and fewer egos than The Expendables. Also, a much cooler name.
I would so have Cougars babies. Just raise a whole army of little snipers. They'd be adorably lethal.

Saturday, April 10, 2010


Kick-Ass comes out this Friday.

I know there have been a billion trailers for this movie but I'm still itching to see it. Remember: this is not your parent's superhero movie. This is your possibly disturbed cousin's superhero movie. And I am that cousin.

A Lesson to Hollywood

This is how good Sci-Fi is supposed to look. Subtitles are not needed to understand what is going on. Massive explosions and robot testicles are not needed (I'm talking to you Michael Bay). Every little pixel is a tiny gem of awesome beauty. JUST LOOK AT IT! It's like watching a dream of Asimov's come to life.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Something seems to be missing....

Did you figure it out? It's a Sound Editor. Every noise, from punching to kicking, kneeing to the face, elbow to the head, snapping a freaking spear in half, hitting an elephant, hitting the ground, jumping, all have the same sound. Please tell me someone just royally screwed up the trailer and the entire move doesn't sound like someone keeps slapping two raw steaks together.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


So...beautiful....words...can't describe...

Well, I'm officially creeped out

So, we have another "playing God" movie with disastrous consequences. What a surprise. I've got to wonder what other DNA they spliced it with to get this :
Isn't it cute?

Sunday, April 4, 2010

I don't know what's going on here but I like it!

Was that guy wearing a diving helmet? So, it's a Western, Kung-fu, uh war...with a treasure map...I confused myself. It looks like a less gory and funner version of Takashi Miike's totally insane Sukiyaki Western Django. Sadly, it lacks any Quentin Tarantino.

And it continues...

The fourth installment of the Resident Evil franchise is hitting theaters in September. We now get Amelia Erhart Alice, Ninja Alice, um...Matrix Alice? I haven't played any of the games because I have the hand-eye-thumb coordination of a Lemur so I'm not one to really judge the authenticity of this series. I'll leave that rant to someone with the expertise. My expertise lies in counting the numerous and painfully obvious plot holes these movies have. Seriously, the writing for these things is just designed to maximize the amount of nipple time on screen.

The good news is now you can see Milla Jovovich's nipples in eye popping 3D.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Titans did not Clash

This film is best summed up by, “Release the APATHY!” Essentially, stuff happens and it’s pretty stuff, but in the end you really just don’t care.

A remake of the 1981 film of the same name, it is loosely (strong emphasis on “loosely”) based on the tale of Perseus. This movie doesn’t so much butcher the original story as the original story drank too much and woke up wearing someone else’s underwear. The plot is told in awkward exposition so it won’t distract you from the pretty things happening on screen. The fact that the script went through multiple writers and rewrites is painfully obvious on screen. Nowhere more so then in the dialogue and characterization.

Perseus, played by Sam Worthington, is the most inconsistent character I’ve ever seen put on the silver screen. He jumps from pussy, to badass, to douchebag, to asshole, all in one scene. None of this is made any better by Worthington’s acting which consists of twelve variations of “confused.” Watching him try and show a complex emotion, like say remorse, is akin to watching a car crash into a van full of crying clowns and kittens. When Perseus isn’t moping, doing something brain numbingly stupid, saying quirky one liners, then he’s giving the most awkward inspirational speeches ever written, never mind delivered.

Perseus isn’t the only poorly written character. He tromps off to save the city Argos with the help of a lackluster bunch of soldiers. They had names, I think, and all die in varying PG-13 gruesome ways before you get the chance to attach to them. Zeus (Liam Neeson) is odd parts stern father figure and prissy child. While he claims to love humans he also enjoys fucking with them something fierce. Hades (Ralph Fiennes) is Voldemort, again. Only this time he whispers for some reason and hasn’t bathed in forever. Gemma Arterton plays Io, Perseus’s guide or love interest or something, and spends a lot of time crying prettily for no reason.

This leads us to the monsters. The best, by far, were the Pegasus and the Jin. They did an excellent job portraying how you would expect a winged horse to move and fly. While the Jin are fantastically creepy and cool. There’re giant scorpions that the Jin ride around on and there’re some weird harpy things Hades conjures. Both of which are cool but weirdly not that scary. Medusa is exactly what you expect though done very well. The Kracken was the worst. I don’t just say that because I’m a fan of giant octopi Kracken or because he was animated poorly. I say it because he looked like the mutated lovechild of the Rancor for Star Wars and the monster from Cloverfield.

This is about what I expect from a Hollywood remake. A screwed up plot with more plot holes then Swiss cheese, poor casting, awesome special effects, and completely forgettable by next week. The only improvement this movie had was it removed that annoying robot owl.

Death Showdown

Right, misleading title, sorry. Anyways, Hollywood is remaking this movie:

Into this movie:

An in-depth analysis is not needed in this situation. All I need say is the original, British version has a naked Alan Tudyk freaking the frak out.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Okay, this has official gone to far...

I give you... Step Up 3D

Yes, that's right. You cant watch another dance-tastic coming of age movie now with eye-popping 3D moves.
Warning: the makers of this film are not responsible for headaches, self-inflicted eye gouging, vomiting, explosive diarrhea, any sudden violent or suicidal urges, or making you think you think any of the actors have any real talent.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Why can't we have more movies like this?

It's out on DVD and it looks phenomenal. I know how I'm spending my weekend.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Repo Men

There has been a lot of talk about how Repo Men rips off Repo! The Genetic Opera. Let’s just get it out of the way that I don’t care. I really, really don’t care. Usually I would but this is one of the rare times that Hollywood has produced something I like infinitely better than an independent studio. I contribute this to the fact that I have eyes and ears. So, those of you who squeal in utter delight at a heartfelt rendition of, “Don’t Poop in my Pool,” then stop reading now, please, and go away.

That being said, it must also be stated that Repo Men is not for everyone. If you gag at the sight of blood, have issues with watching someone have their liver sliced out, can’t stand the idea of Jude Law being anything other than a pretty boy, or are against healthcare reform then this movie is not for you. For you few action and gore geeks who like seeing someone get cut open without the protagonist singing about his love for a scalpel, check out Repo Men.

Jude Law and Forest Whitaker star in this gritty dystopian movie about a future where your shiny new spleen can be reposed if you don’t pay up in time. They shine, equal parts dysfunctional relationship, best friends, and gravedigger’s wit. They aren’t two guys I’d want on my tail if my pancreas payments were overdue. Their brilliant performances and hard edge fight scenes help plaster over the few plot holes and head scratcher moments. Like most sci-fi movies, there are a few things that make you scoff in disbelief and let you bask in your egotistical satisfaction that you know better than the scriptwriters.

The screenplay was, weirdly, based on a book that hadn’t been published yet. Repossession Mambo written by Eric Garcia, who also worked on the screenplay, hit bookstores in March of 2009. The book, as proven by Spooky Dan, takes more than a little from Repo! The Genetic Opera. This fact cannot be ignored but it’s up to you whether or not you’ll let it detract from Repo Men.

For me, this film will be going in my chest next to Doomsday and Slither as another blockbuster flop that I really liked.For Spooky Dan's comparison of the two go here.

There is still hope for Michael Cera

From the kid that gave you every awkward teen romance of the last few years comes this. A love story that Geeks can finally relate to.

Go check out the comic book series it was based on, written by Bryan Lee O'Malley and published by Oni Press.

Friday, March 19, 2010

You've probably alread seen it but if you haven't.....

This is entirely to true. I pay very little attention to the Oscars when it comes Best Actor, Best Director, Best Movie and so on. I'm more interested in who won for the technical aspects (because I'm a Geek) and the movies I like never get chosen for anything. One day though, one day "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter," will get the recognition it deserves and I will be there with a Jeep full of Atheists.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Best Worst Movie

For those few and proud "Troll 2" fans, this documentary is for you. Bask in your underground Geekdom.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Five Hollywood Flops based on Asian Horror Flicks

We all remember The Ring and the irrational fear it gave us of soggy little girls crawling through our television screens. Based on the Japanese horror film Ringu, and made on a paltry $48 million budget, it raked in a tidy $249 million in revenue. With The Ring’s success, Hollywood realized they had a formula for success that they promptly began to squeeze for every last penny. What Hollywood forgot was that The Ring was successful due to its superb acting and its ability to creep us out with a nearly nil gore factor. The Asian horror market knows a thing or two about subtlety, patience, and good story telling. All things Hollywood lacks in buckets.

Let’s also define a “Flop,” here. “Flop,” being a word, and words being symbols for which we assign meanings, I’m defining a “Flop” as, “a movie making less than $50 million in profit and receiving a majority of negative over positive reviews.” For this reason, the Grudge (based on the Japanese Ju-on) will not be on this list. For, while it was negatively received, it also raked in $187 million in revenue, spawned a horrible sequel, and failed at making us afraid of half naked, meowing kids.

So, here are five Hollywood Flops as rated by Rotten Tomatoes and the Asian Horror movies they ripped off.

1. Dark Water (2005) based on Dark Water (Japan)

Rating: 46%

Budget: $30 million

Gross Revenue: $49 million

The original is directed by Hideo Nakata who also directed Ringu and its sequel. It again tries to make us afraid of a damp little girl, this time in a rain coat that dies in an apartment’s water tower. This is a movie that relies less on the terror of small children and more on the ineptitude of apartment maintenance.

The American remake follows closely its Japanese counterpart in plot about a troubled divorced mother moving into a rundown apartment building with her daughter. Creepy things happen making you wonder why they don’t just move like any sensible human being. The Japanese version is considered the scarier of the two though both are pretty tame. Dark Water doesn’t leave you with a lingering fear of baths and dripping ceilings, just mild irritation at handymen.

2. The Uninvited (2009) based on A Tale of Two Sisters (South Korea)

Rating: 32%

Budget: N/A

Gross Revenue: $40 million

A Tale of Two Sisters is easily one of the creepiest movies you will ever watch. The story is based on a popular South Korean folktale and follows two sisters, Su-Mi and Su-Yeong returning home after the mysterious death of their mother. You feel every ounce of tension in the house, every drop of malice between the sisters and step-mother, and the movie leave you with a lasting trepidation about furniture. Here is a ghost story at its very best, with a twist ending that will have you resetting your jaw after it drops to the floor.

The Uninvited in comparison attempts to fill in the massive plot holes and shoddy acting with pretty girls running around in their panties or bikinis. The ghost encounters are dry and the plot convoluted to the point of absurdity. While in the original the true horror laid in the warped family dynamics, in this movie the true horror lies in the fact they think you won’t see the twist ending a mile away.

3. Mirrors (2008) based on Into the Mirror (South Korea)

Rating: 15%

Budget: $35 million

Gross Revenue: $72 million

Mirrors made us question Kiefer Sutherland’s mental state. Not his character’s, his, for agreeing to be in this film. This movie relied heavily on the gore and the fact that mirrors just scare the crap out of us at night. Into the Mirrors, on the other hand, is an interesting psychological thriller that is slickly made with high creep factor. It stars Oldboy’s Yu Ji-Tae who makes for a more complex character than Sutherland. Sutherland’s character has a drinking problem, just like every other cop in Hollywood.

Into the Mirror works on vengeful ghost and the idea of mirror worlds. It’s the debut work of director Kim Sung-ho whose cinematic technique keeps you guessing and on your toes throughout the movie. Meanwhile, Mirrors goes the demonic route that is both bizarre and slightly insulting. Sutherland actually kidnaps and kills a Nun in this movie. I feel stupid just writing that, how do you put that in a script let alone film it? This movie lacks the substance for you to really care about the characters and their plight so you end up cataloging Sutherland’s increasingly weird facial expressions instead.

4. Shutter (2008) based on Shutter (Thailand)

Rating: 7%

Budget: $8 million (it shows)

Gross Revenue: $43 million

This movie is all about the wrong way to get out of a dysfunctional relationship. The American rendition takes the rough plot of the original and sets it in Japan. I don’t know why they did this as it seems a little insulting to the original Thai film. It makes you think the Hollywood producers don’t own a globe or any sense of cultural differences.

The film is thinly based on Ghost Photography, the idea of capturing spirits on film. The rest of the movie is predictable frights with bad gore and a wholly unnecessary ghost make out scene. In the end we find out this isn’t even a proper revenge tale but about a ghost with serious dependency issues. Then the dirty feeling sets in. So not are you cheated out of a good ghost story but you leave the theater looking at your significant other in a very wrong way.

5. One Missed Call (2008) based on Chakushin Ari (Japan)

Rating: 0%

Budget: $20 million

Gross Revenue: $45 million

Look at that again. One Missed Call didn’t receive a single Fresh review. It in fact takes Second on Rotten Tomatoes Worst of the Worst, rating just below 2002’s Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever. It beats out both of the Larry the Cable Guy movies, that is how horrible this film is.

For starters, the entire movie looks like it was merchandized by Hot Topic. Everyone in this movie sleepwalks through their roles before getting in unimaginative and gore-tastic ways. Even the original Japanese version fails at making mobile phones scary because, well, it’s a mobile phone. The scariest thing you should get on those things is a heavy breather or a call for the IRS. So, for its ridiculous premise and one very boring ghost this movie goes down as the worse of the Asian remakes. Well, that and the zombie cuddle scene. Seriously, a zombie cuddle scene. Why, I ask you? WHY?!?