Friday, April 30, 2010

Friday Mass Trailer Post

Let's begin shall we?

Well, I'm glad they got all the major plot points out of the way. Now we won't have to bother with such trivial things such as character development and plot arcs. From what the trailer fairies tell me, this movie will consist of explosions, Megan Fox's sex face, and really unrealistic weapons. Seriously, a TNT crossbow? How aerodynamic are we supposed to believe dynamite is? And wouldn't that horse totally freak out by two gatling guns next to its head?

Continuing on...

Wow, the SyFy Channel is finally getting a good budget. Oh, wait...Okay, when you're so strapped for movie ideas that you're remaking B-rated horror movies oh, wait...So, are they going to do Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus next? Or Dino Shark? Cause SyFy has a whole warehouse of shitty movies they could remake. They might be only marginally worse than the originals.

Wow, I didn't think I could start loosing interest in Zombie movies. How many of these does Romero think he can pull off? It's probably going to be better then his last one, Diary of the Dead. Look, the hand held camera technique barely worked for The Blair Witch and is only ever successful if you're not rooting for the zombies to kill everyone on screen. Let's look at all the places we've put zombies: in a graveyard (that make sense), a mall (oohh, an analogy!), in Sweden (and Nazis!), underwater (this is actually an entire sub-genre), on an island (multiple times in fact), and on a plane (only slightly more scary than snakes). Only place left is space - oh, wait nevermind, it's been done. So the only thing left for zombie movies to do then is to die.

Okay, f*&# this shit. I need to go buy more Emergency Vodka. An upper decker joke, really? That's the best you could do? Are you guys even trying an more?

I need a plate cleanser.

Not sure if M. Night Shyamalan-na-an was the best director choice but it looks good. I just don't hear M. Night Shayamallannn and think epic action flick. I still haven't forgiven him for The Happening.

That's all for now. I'm off to console myself with chocolate and cheap booze. Oh, booze. You're the only one that understands me.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

The Tick is back!

And his name is Ace Mulligan.

I don't care if this movie consists of nothing but bad one-liners I am going to watch it. Then watch it again, then probably again. I have no life.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Crap, I'm out of Emergency Vodka

Well, it can't be worse than the Mortal Kombat movie. It can't, right? Please tell me it can't. At least I can console myself that it can't be worse then Dragonball Evolution. That has to be the only movie in existence that would have been improved the the addition of Krillin.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Where's my Emergency Vodka?

So, and this just makes my head hurt, Taylor Lautner, brooding bad boy of Twilight, has forgone a Max Steel role for Stretch Armstrong. Yeah, you remember that craptastic toy from your childhood is going to star in his own feature length film. This with the Battleship movie and the once rumored, now official, Candyland movie has officially proven that Hollywood has lost its freaking mind. You'd think they might focus more on making a video game movie that didn't suck three flavors of scrotum, or maybe "re-imagine" yet another horror franchise. Because we all know we don't have enough Freddy, Chucky, or Jason movies.

In the words of Peter Griffin, I'm going to go drink until I can't feel feelings anymore.

Mustering up excitement...


...and no. No excitement, none at all. Frankly, this just looks like it's going to suck so bad. And by the tentacles of Cthulhu, how many freaking egos did they fit in this movie? Stallone, Swarchenegger, Staham, Li, Austin, Rourke, Lundgren, and Willis. Did I miss anyone? And that voice over, holy shitscicles. Could you be any more cliche!
I'm going to go drink until I can taste colors.

Adrien Brody is my new hero

High School trailer
Uploaded by blankytwo. - Watch feature films and entire TV shows.

First Predators, then Splice, and now High School. Read more about this indie film at /Film but seriously, Adrien Brody is my new hero. All we need now is for him to team up with Bruce Campbell to star in a Matthew Vaughn film and a wormhole will open up and deposit all of us into Geek Heaven. Where Valkyries serve you Mountain Dew, there is no lag on Halo 3, and for no real reason anyone can name Nathan Filion runs around swinging a light saber.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Thank you, YouTube

Yep, Evil Dead is now a musical. Or has been, I'm not sure for how long. Nevertheless, once again I am displaying my happiness through interpretative dance.

Who is Salt?

All I know is it goes well with potatoes and butter. Twenty bucks says she keeps that same robot expression the entire movie.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

The Glory that is Kick-Ass

Kick-Ass Review

Resisting the urge to scream, “It Kicked Ass!” Because, truly, it did. There are so many ways this movie could have been screwed up. I have to give major kudos to director Matthew Vaughn for not taking the easy route and producing this movie independently. From what the Internet tells me (all praise the mighty Web of Knowledge) Vaughn turned down major production companies because they wanted him to change too much. Kick-Ass is utterly perfect they way it is. Any changes would have ruined it.

That being said, let’s go through all the ways this movie (which is perfect, I’m going to stress that until you hate me) could have been ruined by the “I’m planning a third Transformers movie,” big-wigs of Hollywood.

1. The Rating: This had to be an R movie. PG-13 simply would not have cut it. It, as Vaughn said in one interview, would have offended the audience base it was aiming for. We of the 90’s violent comic generation enjoy our blood and gore. We like our guns, our bazookas, our butterfly knives, and our overkill (which this movie has plenty of). Humans bleed, we gush fountains of the stuff when we’re shot or stabbed. This is something Hollywood sometimes likes to ignore.

2. Teenagers: There is just enough teen awkwardness and angst in this movie. Nicely juxtaposed beside that lovely R-rated gore we so love. Hollywood would have contorted and twisted these scenes, making them an agonizing focal point we’d have to endure. We do not need to be forced to relate to these characters. When they’re written and acted well we do so automatically. By highlighting their shortcomings until we’re nauseous doesn’t make us sympathetic to them, it just makes us hate them.

3. The Characters: Hit-Girl, played by the phenomenal Chloë Grace Moretz, would be horrible. They would have changed her age or made her remorseful, or some other moral crap, and she wouldn’t be Hit-Girl anymore. She’d be another Batgirl and we all remember how well that went down. Kick-Ass would have some secret instead of being the most average superhero ever. Removing the thing that defines him as Kick-Ass. Or they would have cast some cuite on loan from Disney to fill the role so expertly executed by Aaron Johnson. Nicholas Cage’s role as Big Daddy (the first role in a long time in which I didn’t want to cover him in bees) would have been made less insane and I can’t even imagine what bizarre take they would have on Red Mist, played by the wonderfully nerdy Christopher Mintz-Plasse.

4. Directing: This is the kind of movie they would have shoved Michael Bay’s way. He would have sqeezed this one out between salivating over the third Transformers movie and the “re-imagining” of A Nightmare on Elm Street. All the action would be painfully rendered CG and somehow he’d manage to shove a pair of robot testicles in there. Matthew Vaughn has respect for the material; you can see the love in every baton hit across the face. The words I have for Bay’s respect for anything can only be properly translated through the dead language of Cthulhu. And then the world would end in a horrific tentacle explosion.

I’m going to end here because, really, nothing quite beats a tentacle explosion. Go see Kick-Ass, drag your friends along, bring the dog too. Then buy the DVD and all the merchandise and maybe we can send a message to Hollywood that they don’t have to dumb everything down to their level.

Everyone rember this:

It's the fake trailer shown between Planet Terror and Deathproof. It's now going to be a full length motion picture to be released in September. Read more about it here.
The only way to properly portray my excitement about this is through interpretative dance. Which I am doing right now, but you cannot see it. Which is sad because it's an awesome dance.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Predators goes back to its roots

I've got to admit I was nervous about a new Predators movie. Especially after the horrid amalgamation that AVP was. This has given me hope that it could be really good. Though I'm confused as to what kind of bad-ass killer Topher Grace could possibly be.

Monday, April 12, 2010

"Spooky things...anal things..."

Fighting against the A-Team and The Expendables are The Losers. My vote is going for this one. It has Uhura, the Comedian, the Human Torch, a guy named Cougar with an awesome hat, the Black McGuyver (BlaGuyver), and then that other guy. Less camp than the A-Team and fewer egos than The Expendables. Also, a much cooler name.
I would so have Cougars babies. Just raise a whole army of little snipers. They'd be adorably lethal.

Saturday, April 10, 2010


Kick-Ass comes out this Friday.

I know there have been a billion trailers for this movie but I'm still itching to see it. Remember: this is not your parent's superhero movie. This is your possibly disturbed cousin's superhero movie. And I am that cousin.

A Lesson to Hollywood

This is how good Sci-Fi is supposed to look. Subtitles are not needed to understand what is going on. Massive explosions and robot testicles are not needed (I'm talking to you Michael Bay). Every little pixel is a tiny gem of awesome beauty. JUST LOOK AT IT! It's like watching a dream of Asimov's come to life.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Something seems to be missing....

Did you figure it out? It's a Sound Editor. Every noise, from punching to kicking, kneeing to the face, elbow to the head, snapping a freaking spear in half, hitting an elephant, hitting the ground, jumping, all have the same sound. Please tell me someone just royally screwed up the trailer and the entire move doesn't sound like someone keeps slapping two raw steaks together.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


So...beautiful....words...can't describe...

Well, I'm officially creeped out

So, we have another "playing God" movie with disastrous consequences. What a surprise. I've got to wonder what other DNA they spliced it with to get this :
Isn't it cute?

Sunday, April 4, 2010

I don't know what's going on here but I like it!

Was that guy wearing a diving helmet? So, it's a Western, Kung-fu, uh war...with a treasure map...I confused myself. It looks like a less gory and funner version of Takashi Miike's totally insane Sukiyaki Western Django. Sadly, it lacks any Quentin Tarantino.

And it continues...

The fourth installment of the Resident Evil franchise is hitting theaters in September. We now get Amelia Erhart Alice, Ninja Alice, um...Matrix Alice? I haven't played any of the games because I have the hand-eye-thumb coordination of a Lemur so I'm not one to really judge the authenticity of this series. I'll leave that rant to someone with the expertise. My expertise lies in counting the numerous and painfully obvious plot holes these movies have. Seriously, the writing for these things is just designed to maximize the amount of nipple time on screen.

The good news is now you can see Milla Jovovich's nipples in eye popping 3D.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Titans did not Clash

This film is best summed up by, “Release the APATHY!” Essentially, stuff happens and it’s pretty stuff, but in the end you really just don’t care.

A remake of the 1981 film of the same name, it is loosely (strong emphasis on “loosely”) based on the tale of Perseus. This movie doesn’t so much butcher the original story as the original story drank too much and woke up wearing someone else’s underwear. The plot is told in awkward exposition so it won’t distract you from the pretty things happening on screen. The fact that the script went through multiple writers and rewrites is painfully obvious on screen. Nowhere more so then in the dialogue and characterization.

Perseus, played by Sam Worthington, is the most inconsistent character I’ve ever seen put on the silver screen. He jumps from pussy, to badass, to douchebag, to asshole, all in one scene. None of this is made any better by Worthington’s acting which consists of twelve variations of “confused.” Watching him try and show a complex emotion, like say remorse, is akin to watching a car crash into a van full of crying clowns and kittens. When Perseus isn’t moping, doing something brain numbingly stupid, saying quirky one liners, then he’s giving the most awkward inspirational speeches ever written, never mind delivered.

Perseus isn’t the only poorly written character. He tromps off to save the city Argos with the help of a lackluster bunch of soldiers. They had names, I think, and all die in varying PG-13 gruesome ways before you get the chance to attach to them. Zeus (Liam Neeson) is odd parts stern father figure and prissy child. While he claims to love humans he also enjoys fucking with them something fierce. Hades (Ralph Fiennes) is Voldemort, again. Only this time he whispers for some reason and hasn’t bathed in forever. Gemma Arterton plays Io, Perseus’s guide or love interest or something, and spends a lot of time crying prettily for no reason.

This leads us to the monsters. The best, by far, were the Pegasus and the Jin. They did an excellent job portraying how you would expect a winged horse to move and fly. While the Jin are fantastically creepy and cool. There’re giant scorpions that the Jin ride around on and there’re some weird harpy things Hades conjures. Both of which are cool but weirdly not that scary. Medusa is exactly what you expect though done very well. The Kracken was the worst. I don’t just say that because I’m a fan of giant octopi Kracken or because he was animated poorly. I say it because he looked like the mutated lovechild of the Rancor for Star Wars and the monster from Cloverfield.

This is about what I expect from a Hollywood remake. A screwed up plot with more plot holes then Swiss cheese, poor casting, awesome special effects, and completely forgettable by next week. The only improvement this movie had was it removed that annoying robot owl.

Death Showdown

Right, misleading title, sorry. Anyways, Hollywood is remaking this movie:

Into this movie:

An in-depth analysis is not needed in this situation. All I need say is the original, British version has a naked Alan Tudyk freaking the frak out.