Saturday, April 3, 2010

Titans did not Clash

This film is best summed up by, “Release the APATHY!” Essentially, stuff happens and it’s pretty stuff, but in the end you really just don’t care.

A remake of the 1981 film of the same name, it is loosely (strong emphasis on “loosely”) based on the tale of Perseus. This movie doesn’t so much butcher the original story as the original story drank too much and woke up wearing someone else’s underwear. The plot is told in awkward exposition so it won’t distract you from the pretty things happening on screen. The fact that the script went through multiple writers and rewrites is painfully obvious on screen. Nowhere more so then in the dialogue and characterization.

Perseus, played by Sam Worthington, is the most inconsistent character I’ve ever seen put on the silver screen. He jumps from pussy, to badass, to douchebag, to asshole, all in one scene. None of this is made any better by Worthington’s acting which consists of twelve variations of “confused.” Watching him try and show a complex emotion, like say remorse, is akin to watching a car crash into a van full of crying clowns and kittens. When Perseus isn’t moping, doing something brain numbingly stupid, saying quirky one liners, then he’s giving the most awkward inspirational speeches ever written, never mind delivered.

Perseus isn’t the only poorly written character. He tromps off to save the city Argos with the help of a lackluster bunch of soldiers. They had names, I think, and all die in varying PG-13 gruesome ways before you get the chance to attach to them. Zeus (Liam Neeson) is odd parts stern father figure and prissy child. While he claims to love humans he also enjoys fucking with them something fierce. Hades (Ralph Fiennes) is Voldemort, again. Only this time he whispers for some reason and hasn’t bathed in forever. Gemma Arterton plays Io, Perseus’s guide or love interest or something, and spends a lot of time crying prettily for no reason.

This leads us to the monsters. The best, by far, were the Pegasus and the Jin. They did an excellent job portraying how you would expect a winged horse to move and fly. While the Jin are fantastically creepy and cool. There’re giant scorpions that the Jin ride around on and there’re some weird harpy things Hades conjures. Both of which are cool but weirdly not that scary. Medusa is exactly what you expect though done very well. The Kracken was the worst. I don’t just say that because I’m a fan of giant octopi Kracken or because he was animated poorly. I say it because he looked like the mutated lovechild of the Rancor for Star Wars and the monster from Cloverfield.

This is about what I expect from a Hollywood remake. A screwed up plot with more plot holes then Swiss cheese, poor casting, awesome special effects, and completely forgettable by next week. The only improvement this movie had was it removed that annoying robot owl.

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