Totally Unrelated

And by totally unrelated I mean totally, completely, legally binding unrelated. Sense: this trailer makes none. Watch. Just watch. Don't think otherwise you might kill yourself.



Yeah. See what I mean? Armpit swords. Ass swords. Boob guns. Saws in...faces. Did that building just bleed?! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

Fantastic News...

...will not be made in this post. In a future post for sure, once I figure out just what the hell it is that J.J. Abrams is planning. For now, let me give you some horrible news. All in the form of a long ass, shitty as hell trailer post. These are all movies coming out soon that you will want to avoid like the plague. Even the one about the plague.



They actually spent money on this. Non-imaginary, corporal, can buy things of value money to make this festering turd. This movie may actually destroy NASA's hope for the future. I sure as hell don't want to be an astronaut anymore. Okay, I wasn't going to be an astronaut but I had an elaborate plan to sneak aboard a shuttle and take the International Space Station for a joyride around the moon.



BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH heheheh BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH heh heh hoo hah hee
Why not just have the tag line: Steve Austin, because Jean Claude van Damme is to old.



WHAT THE FU-Seriously!? So...now I get to watch dancing douchebags with British Accents in eye bleedin' 3D. This is so daffied I'm even breaking into Cockney just to display my displeasure. Excuse me while I go get elephants.



Well, it has Sean Bean and torture so if that's your sorta thing then have at. Personally, I'd rather flog myself then watch this movie.



This trailer is a minute and a half to long. I can't remember there being an Undisputed I or II, and frankly I'm afraid to go Google them. I'd say save your money and watch UFC. The plot will definitely be better.



Excuse me, I have to go punch myself in the face until the pain goes away.



There's only one more movie. There's only one more movie and then it will all be over. Wait..they're turning the last one into a two part-er?

Friday Mass Trailer Post

Let's begin shall we?



Well, I'm glad they got all the major plot points out of the way. Now we won't have to bother with such trivial things such as character development and plot arcs. From what the trailer fairies tell me, this movie will consist of explosions, Megan Fox's sex face, and really unrealistic weapons. Seriously, a TNT crossbow? How aerodynamic are we supposed to believe dynamite is? And wouldn't that horse totally freak out by two gatling guns next to its head?

Continuing on...



Wow, the SyFy Channel is finally getting a good budget. Oh, wait...Okay, when you're so strapped for movie ideas that you're remaking B-rated horror movies oh, wait...So, are they going to do Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus next? Or Dino Shark? Cause SyFy has a whole warehouse of shitty movies they could remake. They might be only marginally worse than the originals.



Wow, I didn't think I could start loosing interest in Zombie movies. How many of these does Romero think he can pull off? It's probably going to be better then his last one, Diary of the Dead. Look, the hand held camera technique barely worked for The Blair Witch and is only ever successful if you're not rooting for the zombies to kill everyone on screen. Let's look at all the places we've put zombies: in a graveyard (that make sense), a mall (oohh, an analogy!), in Sweden (and Nazis!), underwater (this is actually an entire sub-genre), on an island (multiple times in fact), and on a plane (only slightly more scary than snakes). Only place left is space - oh, wait nevermind, it's been done. So the only thing left for zombie movies to do then is to die.



Okay, f*&# this shit. I need to go buy more Emergency Vodka. An upper decker joke, really? That's the best you could do? Are you guys even trying an more?

I need a plate cleanser.



Not sure if M. Night Shyamalan-na-an was the best director choice but it looks good. I just don't hear M. Night Shayamallannn and think epic action flick. I still haven't forgiven him for The Happening.

That's all for now. I'm off to console myself with chocolate and cheap booze. Oh, booze. You're the only one that understands me.

Well, I'm officially creeped out

So, we have another "playing God" movie with disastrous consequences. What a surprise. I've got to wonder what other DNA they spliced it with to get this :
Isn't it cute?

I don't know what's going on here but I like it!

Was that guy wearing a diving helmet? So, it's a Western, Kung-fu, uh war...with a treasure map...I confused myself. It looks like a less gory and funner version of Takashi Miike's totally insane Sukiyaki Western Django. Sadly, it lacks any Quentin Tarantino.